Dear Diary #1
19:02:00
I'm here to write about my feelings at this moment in time.
I keep having little epiphanies in relation to issues I have both physically and mentally. However, shortly after these epiphanies I revert to how I felt before. Maybe I overthink or maybe I'm just too fickle, but I can never stick to new positive frames of mind.
I think my biggest issues right now are my general unhappiness towards the life I live right now and my inability to shake my long term rut I seem to be stuck in.
Basically, I'm a confused 19 year old. Pretty normal. But I look at those around me and I see fulfilled people. People who enjoy what they study and have a basic career path. And those who don't, know their passions. I don't know any of these things, I crave the knowledge other people have of themselves. I want to know myself. I need to know what makes me tick. I need to go on a journey of self discovery. Is traveling the way to go? Are part time courses more useful? Is writing my thoughts onto a blank page or screen truly the most insightful path to where I want to be? I will try all three. For now I'm going to write about my dreams. I don't know if these are my dreams or just a romanticised series of events inspired by Tumblr but mashed together by my ever overactive mind.
I want to write. I want to write freely and creatively. I want to write for a purpose and I'm more than willing and happy to do those things independently. If I can make a decent living from writing I know in my heart I will be content.
I want to be busy. I want that 'on the go, coffee cup in one hand, phone on the other, constantly meeting and working' life I see of successful women. I want meetings that running late with clicking heels on puddle covered pavements.
I want to travel with the love of my life and I want to travel alone. I want to kiss on planes, on trains and in taxis. I want roaming hands and we explore a new city. I want cheap foreign food accompanied by sunsets and smirks. I want a la cart menu looking out onto busy streets laughing to myself about how much I don't belong here. I want nights in a single bed with tea and coffee making facilities. Continental breakfasts alone. I want to barter for a gift in a language I don't speak just because I can with no one to celebrate such an accomplishment with but myself.
I want to see the vastness of what is around me. I want to see colour and paycheques and love and loneliness and friendship. I want to feel everything. I want to be talented enough to touch other people, to make a stranger think about a sentence I constructed. I want my excitement to be back. I want to feel exhilarated at the mere thought of my future.
For the first time in months I feel truly excited for my future. So maybe writing my mind was exactly what I needed.
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