When was the last time you let yourself think? Really, really think. I don't let myself do it too often. In fact I don't think I properly thought, or let my mind be truly free, in months. I never put away my distractions because I didn't like what I found when my mind had free reign. In fact, I hated it. I shoved down everything that my brain brought up. I pushed every single anxiety and fear to the back of my mind and locked them away with a small tear and a quivering lip.
I've been like this as far as I can remember. When I was 8 years old I had a play date with a brand new friend, but I wasn't excited. Instead I clung to my fathers hand and cried. Even at that age I knew I shouldn't be feeling how I did so I blamed it on a cut I had on my knee. But over the years my anxieties and fears become normalised. I saw a part of myself in everyone around me, my dad was terrified of the dentist and my mum hated hospitals. My friend would shake when her dog went missing and my another had the shakes when their parents rang them. Every one of these was a part of me.
Despite 8 year old me knowing something wasn't right, I forgot about it and distracted myself with various things and have continued to ever since. I would meet with friends and talk about their problems and forget about mine. I'd go shopping and buy myself a pair of shoes specifically to wear when my head got loud again because the laces were awkward so I could distract myself again. I listen to music about happiness and love because one sad lyric could destroy the prison I made for what's wrong with my mind.
But the other day I put away my distractions and went to a party. I was drunk. And I was scared. For no reason at all my mind opened the lock on everything I'd pushed away and denied even feeling. Everything came spilling from my mouth. It felt like poison and my mind felt tired. I shook. I wept. I wanted to scream. I wanted to run my nails so hard into my flesh that it took away from the pain in my head. Everything felt so loud. I couldn't escape and I couldn't distract myself. 19 years of distraction dredged up things I wanted so badly to forget. I don't want to feel like this. I want to breathe freely again. I want to be able to write how I used to without having to stop because I can't think about that again. I want to be able to live in my hometown without wanting to escape because my mind won't shut up there. So I'm taking steps. I'm not going to complain about the tiny problems I have anymore in order to distract those I'm complaining to, from asking me what's really wrong. I'll be honest and hope they can take what's coming. I'm going to eat healthier and exercise. As my best friend once said 'endorphins are powerful stuff' so it'll help my mind and body to calm itself. Finally it sometimes feels like I'm the only one around me that feels like this. It can be a very lonely time when I can't sleep or eat properly but feel like everyone else is too happy or busy to have a simple conversation. So I'm going to start the convo more often, instead of screaming into the void of tumblr or my diary. And if my friends read this they should know I'm always here to do the same for them. I know what it's like so I can at least try and help.
