Recently I've been struggling with something that, I thought, everyone struggled with. I was feeling like I wasn't achieving enough, or doing enough, or trying hard enough. Basically I felt very very underachieved. I've said a couple times now that since September I've been on a year out. During this time I've been unable to work for various reasons. The entire point of this year out is so that in September I can go to college. However, since I couldn't work and since all my friends moved away from college I was left completely alone in my home town.
My home town is Carndonagh. It has a population of 2,534 people and doesn't have that much going for it. If you like greenery and fields though, this is your place to be.
Being alone and living in a town like I do, I have had to dedicate a lot of my time to the internet. Which means a lot of my time since September has been spent on social media. YouTube in particular is very responsible for how I've been feeling lately. All over Youtube are sucessful teenagers going there and doing this and it's very very very easy to fall into the trap of comparisons. These people are my age, however their life is on a very different path to mine.
One of my favourite Youtubers is Casey Neistat. He is genuinely one of the most inspirational people ever to grace this planet. He really has his shit together when it comes to life goals and achievements. Something that has become almost one of his mantra's is to just do it. He has 'DO MORE' tattooed on his arm as a reminder to himself. I was filled with so much inspiration and motivation to do things just from watching his daily vlogs. However I was hit with a problem, I had nothing to be motivated to do. By that I mean living in New York offers up infinitely more opportunities to DO MORE than Carndonagh ever will.The only opportunity I could see before me was to learn to drive. But with insurance for young drivers in Ireland being so RIDICULOUSLY HIGH and given that I couldn't work this year it simply wasn't do able. Well, that's a lie. I could have learned to drive but at the end of it I wouldn't have been able to drive. Having a licence with no car is even less fun that not having a licence.
The issue with Carndonagh is that it's just so far from anything different. Even if I did have a job in my closest shop I'd have a 20 minute walk in and out of it every day. Unless I want a cup of coffee or a plate of chips there's really nothing to do around here. So driving was really my only way of getting out, and I couldn't afford to do that.
This lead to me feeling very depleted and deflated. My plans for this year were shot down before they even began. But then I thought 'actually, I can travel.' Quick trips away aren't too much especially if you go at off peak times. Casey Neistat is an advocate for travel and always going somewhere as and when you can. I was so excited as I planned trips to and from various European capital cities, all of which were within my price range, I would be able to pay for it all. For the first time ever not having to ask my parents for help. But yet again I was left feeling very let down when I was told by my father that I wasn't allowed to travel alone. No amount of arguing has worked for me. That was that, his 19 year old daughter wasn't allowed to travel alone.
To say I was disappointed is an understatement. My rebellious side simply wasn't powerful enough to deal with the stress and worry I'd place on my parents if I did hop on a plane to discover a new city alone. I really was stuck.
Meanwhile, as all of this was happening I was watching YouTubers my age travel to new places and experiencing various other things I could only dream of. I felt like a complete failure. I looked at my friends and peers in college who were having the time of their lives in college making new friends and new experiences while I sat alone watching a YouTube video of an 18 year olds guide to Amsterdam.
This feeling of underachievement and failure followed me around all year and seeped into every faucet of my life. I started to write more regularly on here and when I couldn't find an interesting topic to write about I'd beat myself up for it. Every time I saw a snapchat of a friend at prinks I was filled with a sense of failure I simply hadn't ever felt before.
I was filled with these feelings until something switched in my brain this week. This year was completely out of my control. My life was on hold for so long and I wasn't the one with the finger on the pause button. Infact, I didn't even want anyone else in control of my life. But that's the thing, sometimes you just CAN'T be in control. It mightn't be what you want and it mightn't even be whats best for you. But sometimes you just have to deal with the lots you're given and hope that things change.
I want to put a stop to those people who say "you're in control of your own destiny" because I damned well know that isn't true. Many factors come into what you can and can't do in your life and a majority of them simply are out of your power. But there will come a day when you will be free to do as you please. So don't do what I did and beat yourself up over things that really aren't in your control. Don't compare yourself and tell yourself that if you had just changed this or that, that you could be the one on an all expenses paid trip to Argentina.
I know I had to silently suffer through this year, pretending nothing was wrong and that this was what I wanted. But I also know that come September I will be in control and there will be nothing stopping me from what I want to do. My dad can't stop a newly determined college kid from hopping on a plane and my mother won't be able to guilt me any more. I'll be out of their hair and in control of my own life. Guilt and failure free.
