At the moment things in my life are changing, A LOT. I finished secondary school after completing my exams last June. Since then summer has passed and I have received my results which I am over the moon with. Not only can I proceed with my plans to attend a 2 year journalism course close to my home but I got enough points to be able to attend a university journalism course within Ireland, something I never thought I'd be able to do. But despite the fact I had everything planned out, where I would go to college, when I'd get a job, when I'd move out, I'm terrified.
A few of my friends are moving away to far away cities to attend college but the majority of my friends are staying close to home, something I'm massively grateful for. My three best friends are still going to be living near me, even if one of them is moving into student accommodation. However my boyfriend will be moving 2 hours away. I'm fully aware that 2 hours isn't that far but change is something I don't cope well with. Added to that is my anxiety has increased dramatically over the past few weeks, especially over attending a new college with people I don't know studying a subject I'm not 100% sure I want to study. For me, what some people believe to be simple every day tasks, are difficult and tiring. Talking to new people terrifies me. Asking the teacher a question terrifies me. Being in a crowded space terrifies me. It's something I need to work on and I am every day. I can't let that stand in the way of me doing things any more. Sometimes I get so upset over everything thats changing in my life that it's difficult to breathe. But I have amazing friends and a wonderful boyfriend who calm me down on my frequent "omg I'm going to fail at life no ones gonna like me" freak outs, and I'm so grateful for them.
However one night last week everything just came tumbling down on top of me and I completely broke down on the floor in tears (wait to be emotionally stable Ang). But as I was sat there in a tear soaked hoody with mascara slowly running down my cheeks I looked in the mirror and what I saw horrified me. I have never been a girl to cry in public or in front of people, well except at films - I mean TFIOS and The Notebook I'm not made of stone. I would never tell someone that I'd been crying let alone cry on my boyfriends shoulder just because he's moving a short bus journey away or actually ask my friend if i can simply vent to her. For the next two years I get to live at home, take a half hour bus ride to college and study something I have an interest in all while my best friends are within driving distance and I get to see my boyfriend at weekends and holidays. I'm not sick, my parents and loved ones are healthy and I come home every day to an excited Labrador who is ecstatic to see me. I'm starting to work on my anxiety and even now I'm doing something last year I would never have dreamt of, showing my writing to people other than my three closest friends. I know now that I can't let it get in the way of me living my life. So I'm going to make a list of things that I'm going to do, things that will be difficult for me and will require me to push through the panic, and I'm going to post about them on here as they happen. So here's the list -
- Get my nose pierced
- Write for the student news paper
- Work for the college radio station
- Travel alone
- Talk to new people and make new friends
- Go shopping alone
- Ask a shop assistant for help when I need it
- Ask my lecturers for help when I need it
- Ask around for jobs
- Take every opportunity given to me
- Go to a nightclub
- Start my own online radio show
- Make important phone calls alone
- Become more comfortable in crowded places
- Eat lunch alone
- Stop over thinking
- Stop comparing myself to others
Some of those may seem everyday and mundane but trust me I'm gonna have to work hard to achieve them. I'd also like to thank my friends and boyfriend for being so supportive through my stupid freak outs because they're also going through all of this and more but still find the time and have the patience to talk to me and calm me so yeah THANK YOU!
Well that's todays post and I'll keep the blog updated when all of the things listed above happen. Be sure to check back everyday for updates :D Thanks for reading!
