I'm not really one to get caught up in online drama. I avoid anything that's fleeting and not all that important. But one thing I simply can't shy away from today was the release of Little Mixes music video for their latest song "Touch," and the immediate backlash it received. Before reading, if you haven't already, you should watch the video here.

Now I know very little about the band itself other than its music which I've actually recently become a fan of. I'm aware their fan base is, typical of pop bands, tween and teenage girls. This is the reason behind most of the backlash against the video that it is too inappropriate for their target audience, that they're "terrible role models to young girls." I have one thing to say to this; it is not Little Mixes job to be a role model to your children. It is a parents responsibility to keep an eye on what media their children are consuming and to decide if it is appropriate or not. I genuinely know parents who took their 12 year old daughter to a Little Mix concert this year and left early due the fact they thought the outfits worn by the four girls on stage were too vulgar. The parents spoke so rudely and condescendingly about the group and how had they known they would never have given such a band the money to fund the hedonistic behaviour. To me, it screamed shoddy parenting by people who knew nothing of the music and interests of their child. I was 12 once - anything I was interested in was pasted onto walls and blasted through the house. Look at what your children are interested in, judge for yourself whether it's appropriate or not and take action. Do not place such a burden onto four girls in their 20's making music. Maybe don't buy your 8 year old that €600 tablet to shut them up so it's actually possible to keep an eye on what they're consuming.

The second biggest criticism of the video is that it is just far too sexual in general, regardless of their audience. The song is about sex. Plain and simple. To think a video accompanying such a song would be anything other that a little sexual is down right naive. This opens a whole other discussion on women and sexuality. There are 36 thousand comments under this video and the biggest theme among almost all of them is that it's too sexual which has made the commenters opinion of the girls go down. Several of them called them sluts, others told the girls they should be ashamed for such behaviour.

Let's think about this shall we? What these comments basically say is that once a woman openly discusses/shares her sexuality her value therefor goes down. Much like a graph; once the openness about sexuality goes up her value as a person/woman goes down. I'm genuinely horrified that we live in 2017 and the majority of commenters underneath this video believe that a woman's value is inherently linked to her sexuality or lack thereof. Fuck off. I don't know how else to explain my disdain other than whoever still believes this can fuck off. Women are sexual beings. We shouldn't have to hide it. We damn well shouldn't worry that our value will decrease if we explore/talk about it. Women are multi faceted enigmatic people who have more than one level. We don't need to be either sexual or valued people. We can be and are both. 

One absolutely great thing about this video that isn't being commended is that for once, girls are in charge. Women aren't being used as objects in this video.  If you notice, almost completely opposite to every other male artists music video (which by the way never receive the same backlash as this has) the women aren't dancing for the benefit of the men in the video. The men are dancing for Little Mix. A particular scene of the video involves all four members of Little Mix sitting upon chairs looking on indifferently at the men dancing, trying to impress them. Opposed to women shaking their asses while being called sluts, whores and bitches, this video is so much more forward than 90% of the videos in its category. I applaud Little Mix for making a difference in the portrayal of women in media.

Finally, I have to agree with a lot of the negative comments. What is Perrie wearing? But that's it.

So before watching the video remember that:

 1) it is no ones job to be your child's role model

2) a woman's sexuality has no correlation to her value.

3) the video is refreshing in its portrayal of women in front of the male gaze. We're not just there to be hyper sexualised without our consent and talked about like pieces of meat. We can have control too.

4) I'm sorry Perrie I'm not a fan of the nude corset.

Recently I read How To Be A Woman by Caitlin Moran. I would honestly recommend this book to anyone with a vagina because it does something I simply haven't come across in literature before and it made me properly realise something. The female experience is something that isn't discussed enough. Despite the fact that half of the population of the earth is female, there are still many, many things about being a woman that are taboo. And I can't thank Caitlin enough for helping me come to this realisation. So I decided that I will try and help the situation in a very very small way by writing about my experiences with the more taboo aspects of being a woman. For those who are afraid to call a vagina a vagina or for those of a sensitive disposition you can click away now. This won't be for you.

I have never discussed this before apart from once, over a red faced iMessage convo with a friend I'm no longer in contact with. Before this conversation aged 16 I thought I was weird, disgusting, even a little gone in the head. See, before this conversation I thought female masturbation was wrong. I thought that this thing I'd discovered accidentally was shameful and should be kept my utmost secret. At 12 years old, about three months before I was to make my Confirmation I came across the clitoris. I'd like to point out at this stage that I still didn't really have ANY idea where the vagina was so I described everything in that general area as my bum. T W E L V E. ANYWAY, once I found this and once I had done the thing, I was overcome with shame. I was convinced that upon entering a church I would burn, that I would be forever bound to hell. But that didn't stop me from continuing to do the thing that made me guilty. HELL NO. Instead I would let my hand run wild then cry for an hour at my lack of self control and my anxiety for the next time I entered a church.

Over time I learned I was wrong. My skin didn't burn when holy water touched it and adults aren't able to tell how much of a heathen I was. Over time the guilt faded. But it was a secret I kept close to my chest until very recently, shared only with my boyfriend and joked about with friends. But here's my problem; male and female masturbation are treated very very differently. My biggest proof of this is that there isn't a single common slang word for female masturbation. And how many are there for male? We all know countless ones because it isn't held such a tight secret. There was never any shame to wank for boys, infact it was expected. But still there are girls around the world who are discovering themselves and their sexuality that believe playing with their clit is shameful and wrong. But it ain't. It's normal and healthy and helps you to discover your sexuality. We all know how awful it would have been to have our first every sexual encounter but have no knowledge of what actually works. Young boys are quite useless with the female anatomy so the more you can tell them what to do the better. You're educating them really. 

By treating female masturbation as taboo we are doing a diservice to women and young girls everywhere. Play with your clit, find yourself. Don't ever let shame overshadow a solo orgasm again. Life is too short not to have sticky fingers every once in a while. 

Sex is something that's very very personal and has different meanings to different people. Today there are so many sexualities and genders that sex no longer means penis in vagina or even penetrative sex. Sex is whatever the individual wants it to be. I won't explain all the variants of sex because, as a straight white woman, I simply don't know them all. Somehow though, and maybe this has to do with the times, the lines between consensual sex and rape have been blurred. 

Let me state clearly
 non consensual sex isn't sex, it's rape. 
There are no blurred lines with sex or any kind of sexual activity. Whether you count sex as vaginal penetration or simply mouth on clit, if it isn't consensual it isn't sex. 

So with that preface and given that society teaches people to not to get raped rather than don't rape here's a guide on

how not to rape:

• 1 - DO NOT think anyone owes you anything. Rid yourself of that thought immediately. It doesn't matter if you have been monogamous with the person you want to have sex with for 20 years or if you have only just learned their name, they owe you nothing. Just because you're horny and deem yourself worthy of their time doesn't mean you are. If they don't want to have sex, don't make them have sex.

• 2 - If the person you want to have sex with says no, then that's that. DO NOT beg them, do not guilt them, DO NOT make them repeat themselves. One no is enough.No does not mean convince them. If a dog can understand the word no, then so can a sexually active human. NO MEANS NO. Respect that.

• 3 - Just because a person can't talk and say no doesn't make that a yes. And by this I mean if a person is passed out/high/asleep/unconcious that is NOT a green light to fuck them or touch them in anyway. If they can't say no that doesn't mean it's a yes. 

• 4 - If someone is wearing revealing clothes it doesn't mean they're "Asking For It." What a person puts on their body doesn't warrant anyone to judge or make assumptions. You should treat a girl who's wearing a teeny tiny body con dress with the same respect you'd pay a man in a suit. 

• 5 - Ask the person with whom you want to have sex if they want to. NEVER presume. 

• 6 - DO NOT be controlling. Just because your last partner thought it was hot doesn't mean everybody does. To some it's scary and in turn makes them too intimidated to say no for fear they'll get hurt. 

• 7 - Be aware of their body language. If at any point you get even the slightest inclining that sex might not be want they want, ask them. If you're scared of ruining the mood then you're simply too selfish to be having sex. ASK THEM WHAT THEY LIKE AND IF THEY'RE ENJOYING THEMSELVES. 

• 8 Don't drug or intoxicate anyone in order to have sex with them. If you feel the need to inhibit how a person can act to have sex with them, then you're trying to have sex with the wrong person. NEVER EVER slip ANYTHING to someones drink. 

• 9 Just because you didn't put your penis into a person doesn't mean it isn't rape. Putting anything, whether it be an inanimate object or a finger into or on a person without their consent is rape. A good and easy to remember rule of thumb is to just not touch anyone without knowing they want to be touched. This means no grabbing someones ass, no cat calling and definitely no groping. DO NOT TOUCH ANYONE WITHOUT THEIR CONSENT.

Now on the other end of the spectrum, if YOU are the one who doesn't want to have sex but are being guilted/forced/manipulated into it PLEASE SPEAK UP. Don't be afraid to say no as many times as is necessary. 
Shout, scream for help if you need to. You and you alone are in control of your body, do not let anyone tell you otherwise.

 Or if you do want to have sex but don't enjoy what they're doing then tell them. Sex should be enjoyable for all parties. Tell them how you feel, don't expect them to know. Some people are just crap at reading body language and can't take hints. Tell the person how you feel, be outright. 

This post was fueled with anger by far too many cases of rape and assault being taken so lightly because the person who was raped was drunk/alone/dressed provocatively/unconcious. Or that the rapist had a "bright future" or "it wasn't in his nature." Rape is rape no matter who you are/think you are. If it isn't consensual it isn't sex it's rape. And again one more time in case there is any confusion.

IF IT ISN'T CONSENSUAL IT ISN'T SEX, 

IT IS RAPE. 

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE share this post with anyone you feel needs to read this. It is such an important topic that people still shy away from talking about. Break the taboo to ensure people are educated and aware of rape and what it means. 

Oh and to Brock Turner and all the other disgusting specimens that walk this earth after raping someone, I sincerely hope you rot in hell. 

Now I'm quite different. I'm not exactly Miss Cocky but I'm a lot further along than I once was. I talk openly to people. I no longer laugh loudly out of nerves but from genuine joy. I get a bus alone nearly every day and I don't feel like collapsing into the ground. 

My advice to anyone who feels they aren't up to scratch is this: Tell yourself that you are. Even if you don't believe it. Every morning look in the mirror and instead of focusing on something you don't like tell yourself you are confident and gorgeous. I promise you that if you tell yourself something enough you'll start to believe it. 

My second piece of advice is stop apologising unnecessarily to people. How many times do you hear YouTubers say "I'm sorry about my skin today," or "I'm sorry about my hair." In all honestly shut up. Don't apologise for your body. Don't apologise for normal things. Spots are normal. Hair is normal, both on your head and indeed hair anywhere on your body. Just weeks ago I would apologise to my boyfriend if my underarms weren't freshly shaved. Not anymore. I don't like having hair there so I choose to get rid of it. But if some days I don't feel like getting the razor out it's nothing to apologise for. 

Don't let the opinions of others stop you from doing what you want, particularly boys. My boyfriend doesn't particularly like it when I wear lipstick. But every day I wear it without fail because I LIKE IT. And at the end of the day that's all that matters. If you don't want to wear make up, don't. If you wanna shave your legs, shave them. If you wanna wear a short bodycon dress, wear it. Don't worry about what other people are thinking as truth be told they probably think you look good. 

Also please don't let fake feminists make you feel bad. Feminism is about equality and doing what you like without being judged. The golden rule of feminism is YOU DO YOU. Sleep around or don't, shave or don't. If you like wearing a certain kind of underwear because your partner likes them that isn't something to be ashamed of. If you get pleasure out of making your bae feel good DONT feel like you're a failure as a woman. 

Finally my advice will be do what makes you feel confident. Listen to music that makes you feel BOMB. Wear the shade of lipstick that makes you want to conquer the world. Don't take shit off anyone. 

This post comes after I've heard too many girls sound scared or not confident because of their own heads. But please remember that confidence comes with time. If you feel a little better each day then that is amazing progress and in a few months time you'll feel like Beyoncé. 

Thanks for reading and keep checking back for more updates. 

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