No matter what age you are, at some point you will find things that remind you of your past self. Photos hide under beds, journals are stacked beside cd's and old plane tickets lay amongst the wires and old batteries that reside in your bottom drawer. Usually they make you sad. If not sad at least melconcholic-ly reminiscent of a time when things were better, simpler or just easier. And I know that feeling.
But today as I looked for an old french text book I found my Bucketlist. Well not my bucketlist, more the bucket list of 14 year old angela. Angela who obsessed over MCR and refused to cut her hair. I refrained from looking at the piece of paper for a few minutes, wondering if I really wanted to let myself feel sad today. "You're finally starting to get a little happier, don't wreck it now," I thought. But then I went for it. It would only bug me if I didn't read it.
When I finished reading the 103 things on the list I expected to feel bad, under-achieved and just plain awful. But I didn't. I felt warm. I felt like I'd just come home after two weeks with someone I hate. I felt a kind of calmness I have't been subjected to in a REALLY long time. Why? Because I've changed. And I'm so so overwhelmingly happy that I've changed. No one should share the same dreams as their 14/15 year old self. Granted I had accomplished 20-30 things on that bucket list but none of those things were forced. Most of the things I had achieved didn't happen for a few years after the list was made and by which time I'd completely forgotten it actually existed. And that's the thing. Life shouldn't be rushed. You shouldn't do a whole list of things in a certain time frame just to get them done. You should do them when you're ready and not let anyone pressure you into thinking otherwise. I completely understand that you should take life by the horns when you're young and able to.
However,
one thing I really noticed from this bucketlist is that I didn't care about most of the things on it. Yeah the times have changed so "Become Tumblr Famous" obviously doesn't appeal to me anymore. But "Get Front Row Tickets" wasn't for me. It was so I could tell my friends about the experience. It's definitely best that I didn't "get front row tickets" because I would have been left feeling a little empty and wondering why I got more pleasure crossing it from my list than actually attending the concert.
How many people do you know that do things just to have a story to tell? No crazy story starts with "So we decided to stay in and watch Netflix" but a story isn't crazy unless you feel it. Unless you are so happy and caught in the whirlwind of what happened then I'm afraid that isn't a crazy story. Stories of getting stoned and high and so drunk I fell over the bouncer don't interest me in the slightest anymore because everyone does that. I haven't gotten drunk once where I haven't unintentionally done something equally funny and embarrassing.
Tell me how you and a stranger fell into an alley and before you knew it you were back at their place eating popcorn in bed. Tell me how much you were touched by Barcelona and how you deeply you fell for that french guy you met at the airport. Life isn't actually about all the events you go to or how many times you got drunk with your friends. It's about the new experiences, the emotions and the things that give you goosebumps. Those are real things to achieve and while you can't write them all in a disgustingly long list, that isn't necessarily a bad thing. Life isn't meant to be lived via checklist. Make a note of - go to Italy but don't tick it off the second you step foot off the plane in Milan. Everyone can go on holiday. It isn't much of an achievement. Bucketlists should be something to further yourself. Emotionally, physically and in every other way a person can change.
That's why I was so happy. I realised that while I haven't visited Paris or gone sky diving, I have felt. I have felt deeply and I've had moments where I was so happy to be alive.
Also I'm NOT saying that I don't want to hear every embarrassing drunk story ever told by my friends cos I damnwell do. So if you're reading this keep filling me in. I LOVE IT.
