You know what I'm gonna write about tonight? My fears. I've had a decent amount of alone time today and tomorrow I have something I'm really quite anxious for. In fact my anxiety has been on high alert all day. Of course I don't go shouting about that, in fact I think I've managed to come off as breezy to anyone who has come in contact with me today. Being anxious over such trivial things has made me acutely aware of just how many fears I have. So I thought it'd be good for me more than for anyone else's reading pleasure that I write them out. I hope to gain some perspective on the rest of my life by doing this but we all know we can't all get philosophical meanings off everything, so maybe this will just be a list of things big and small that an 18 year old girl in Ireland fears.
Being too dependant and reliant on someone else, in particular a boyfriend or lover.
When I fall for someone I fall hard, and in doing so I know I lose part of myself. I've made a pact with myself not to lose anymore of myself but pacts don't always work and promises aren't always kept.
Losing my parents.
Never finding a passion.
This is something I'm definitely going to write more on later but in short I don't have a passion and I'm terrified beyond belief that I'll never find one.
Not traveling more.
I'm such a bad traveler but I want to see certain parts of the world and I want that an indescribable amount. You can spout your pretentious bullshit that if you want something enough you'll make it happen, but real life gets in the way. Illness, money, time and education have ways of crippling dreams.
Illness & doctors appointments.
I have that dumb fear you hear about too often where I'm convinced the doctor will find something seriously wrong with me every time I have an appointment (which let me tell you is rare).
Judgement.
This isn't to a crippling and painstaking degree but I have a fear of people in general, and I know and have been told I don't make good first impressions. I'm jumpy, skittish and either too loud or too quiet. I'm just too nervous and too many people don't understand this so I often come off as stupid which is yet another fear.
Leaving.
This wasn't a fear until yesterday when I was told that I seem like someone who would just jet off to Paris or Manchester or anywhere where my problems weren't just a t the drop of a hat. While I'm aware I do tend to leave when my anxiety gets too much or I miss people too much. It's okay when I'm 18 but when I'm 32 with kids it ain't something I can do, or I can and risk never seeing my loved ones again, either way it isn't a nice trait and I'm terrified I can't control it.
Never getting to see The 1975 perform live.
Everyone has the band that really really makes them feel and The 1975 are this band for me. They dragged me out of a rut an showed me this new world both if music and of actual life. I feel alive when I listen to them. So far they haven't announced an Irish leg of their tour but I'm trying my hardest to find another place to witness their music live but if I don't I'm going to be heartbroken.
Death.
Gradually falling out of love.
This is probably my second biggest fear, above death but below losing my parents. Relationships and love are about finding someone you can tell everything to. Finding comfort in someone you didn't think would come along. Discovering a feeling of safety doesn't come from a place but from a person. My fear is that my love, comfort and safety is one day pulled from below my feet but slowly. Where I can see the changes, the distance growing bit by bit but the love still being too strong to let go of. Being in love with someone who was your world but grows into someone else is a heartbreaking thing and sadly it happens to too many people and I can just hope it never happens to me.
